By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2010 by Philip Cairns



Outside Buckingham Palace,

A Little Person terrorist dresses up as an 8 year old girl.

He hands a bouquet of explosive-ridden violets to the Queen.

In response, Elizabeth smiles serenely.

Both people are blown to bits,

Along with hundreds of screaming spectators.



Blood and green guts fly through the air,

As well as silver helmets and horses’ hooves.

The Queen’s diamond tiara lands on a Bobby’s head.

Eyeballs rocket upwards and in every direction.

Welcome to the 21st Century.



Manned spaceships land on Pluto.

Scandinavians, in particular, like to vacation on Jupiter’s rings.

Vaginaplasty operations become puzzlingly fashionable in hot climates,

Replacing scarlet Mohawks as a youthful fashion statement.

Who would’ve thought?!

Welcome to the 21st Century.



Severed limbs rejuvenate themselves

As the result of new wonder drugs.

Millions of people have their pubic hair removed by electrolysis.

Teleportation is the only way to fly.

Welcome to the 21st Century.



Wars and disease are a thing of the past.

We all speak in a politically correct manner.

Racial prejudice ceases to exist.

Jesus and Buddha and Adolf Hitler all rise up from the dead.

Welcome to the 21st Century.



Homophobia is a distant memory for one and all.

Slasher films are banned.

All copies of “Night of the Living Dead” disintegrate.

Liquid love is poured into the drinking water.

Teenage lust runs out of control resulting in millions of unwanted bastards.

Welcome to the 21st Century.



Actors are no longer forced to take hideous telemarketing jobs between gigs.

Everyone on the planet has more than enough to eat.

Pure spring water is in abundance for all.

A band of pure love and truth surrounds the planet.

Crime is a thing of the past.

Welcome to the 21st Century.



Depression vanishes.

Mental illness is no more.

Child slavery is gone in a puff of smoke.

Menstrual cycles are no longer necessary.

Anyone can live in a warm climate, beside the ocean, if they really want to.

Poetry is the new language of the masses.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the new century.



Clear skin is the order of the day.

Sexual fulfillment reigns supreme.

Everything and everyone is perfect in every single way.

Hitler soon melts, like the Wicked Witch of the West.

Judy Garland songs are played in hundreds of thousands of elevators and malls.

Through extraordinary technology, new Marilyn Monroe movies appear almost every day.

Welcome to the new digital century.



No more famine, sex slavery, oppression or exploitation.

No hunger or pain. No overdue credit card bills.

No unpaid mortgages or weeping widows.

Blinding sunlight illuminates Earth,

Putting a Vitamin D smile on our faces.

A tofu chicken in every aluminum-free pot.

Welcome to the 21st Century.

Welcome to the New Millennium.

Welcome to a Republican’s worst nightmare.

Welcome to my hopes and dreams.